It's like all those thoughts in my head need to be shouted very loudly when I am under the influence of alcohol.

Oh my god why didn't anybody shut me up?

Oh no it wasn't sex he wanted! How vain of me to suppose such a thing!

It was to help him write his college report because I am smart!

Fucking hell I'm fifteen years old again telling people the wrong answers to their homework and then they have the fucking cheek to suggest teaching as a career since I'm so helpful.

I am going insane. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to watch Steve McQueen drive a Mustang around San Francisco. My mustang. And Vanishing Point is showing on Sky later this week although there's no stunt woman tied to the hood so it's not quite as awesome but that car. It's the biggest reason why I can't be bothered learning to drive. There are no cars these days I can get excited about. They're all too round and ugly and bleh. I want a car that is personally responsible for a new hole in the sky. I want long long stretches of road and a goddamn beautiful car to charge down it. I need me a rich man. Then I can grow up and be a professional hypocrite, best life plan ever. You know it hurts to watch Pimp my Ride with all those beat up gorgeous cars ruined with stupid paint jobs and tv screen in every surface. I've watched The Princess Diaries several times because she drives this:



Oh I am only online because I can't decide if my character should die or not and I'm so close to finishing and I can't make up my mind and gah. I'm leaning towards no because dying is so obvious.

Oh! and job interview went like this if you were curious

I had to spend twenty minutes yesterday listening to a bunch of sixteen year old talk about their favourite film. That was my interview. Stand up and say my name and what my favourite film was. Once you'd done that you could go. They'll call me if I got the job. Some of these kids were terrified. Then there was the girl who was sixteen and from st brides and omg loved johnny depp because he is so sexi (it was misspelt in my head, you can just hear it) and she was gonna say pirates of the caribbean but she was gonna say blow. Blow is an 18. A sixteen year old deppophile told the manager of the cinema that her favourite film is rated 2 years older than she is. I found this highly amusing. Then there was the 16 year old who favourite film was the lord of the rings trilogy 'but really the two towers cuz it's non stop action'. Also it had (obviously) elijah wood, orlando bloom ummmmmmmm ian mckellan all the legends, you know. I listened as the people behind me wondered if they could say Harry Potter because they knew the books were supposed to be better but she hadn't read them. I had the ending to two films spoiled for me to the extent I had the urge to get up and just list the endings to as many films with twists as I could. Instead I went with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind very aware my title was longer than anyone elses and saying 'it's a Michel Gondry film' means nothing to these people. But whatever at least my English made sense and I didn't act like this was the hardest thing to do ever. It was the most pointless thing I've had to do for something I desperately need that as soon as I left the centre I had a fit of hysterical laughter and then nearly did a very bad thing. Somehow I managed to get on a bus instead.

I've got this thing I consider my only art of fucking people over

Have I talked about the guy who offered me vip tickets to t in the park if I slept with him in the tent? I'm pretty sure I did. Anyway this guy is a lovely guy really but I turned down his offer of a date once because I hadn't realised the other guy who asked first was the most boring fuck I've ever met. After that he seemed content on continuously asking me to sleep with him, huffing if I wasn't in the mood to humour him and then claiming he wasn't being serious if I got annoyed at him. It was fun for a little while but I get bored easily and he didn't get me a lot of the time and he called me mad. I will never understand why people think I like to hear that. Kirsty's terrible for it. She's all 'I love you cause you're insane and you're happy that way'. Score. But I got a kick out of it because a girl I hated had been in love with him for years. Haha to her I thought.

Anyway then one day he was annoying me far too much, making me seem like some sort of evil manipulative girl who was leading him on. I should point out that I was leading him on but I wasn't being evil about it. I thought I'd been quite open about that. If someone doesn't make a definite move then all I do is lead them on. I'm never so interested that I make the first move, I haven't been in a long while anyway. He gave up after a while.

So the point is the other day he came online and I was so surprised I went online myself to see if it was a mistake. Then he started talking to me about some band. Every alarm is going off in my head since his name proclaims his love for some other girl and we were never friends. If this ends up as yet another guy who thinks I'd be a fun little aside to a relationship I swear I'm leaving society for good. However, I just explained symbiotic relationships to him by using Venom as an example because I'm too tired to go into dictionary mode. Geekiness may prevail where sheer indifference failed.

"Boobs!" cried Julie. "They get the job done!"

I stayed up last night and watched Factotum, though I'll have to rewatch most of it because I was writing and you know that way when you get caught up doing something and you realise the tv's been on for hours and you barely noticed a damn thing. I've probably caused the death of a fair few polar bears that way. Anyway I remember the first half hour pretty well and the problem with it is the source material. It's Bukowski. Reading Bukowski isn't so much depressing as deadening. Nothing I've read of his has shocked me but I sort of figured everyone's a cunt and crazy to boot so I'm more surprised when people are nice. Desensitisation!

It's deadening though reading page after page of such a loser and watching him is just sad. There were good bits though like when he and this girl tried cars until they found one that was unlocked so they could steal cigarettes. Or he talks about how when he doubts his ability to write he reads other writers and feels better. I always feel worse when I do that. It's like look at all these terrible writers lining shelves of terrible bookshops and they're better than I am because they finished something and they had the guts to sell themselves and terrible people will buy them. It's the selling myself I'm concerned about which is not the best thing to think about going into a job interview. I can fake it though if I really try and by god I'm gonna try my ass off.

I started reading Women by Bukowski ages ago and then misplaced the book. I think it's under my bed, haven't checked. It's about when he's become successful and he goes on an awful lot of how he tried to be better at sex. Reading books by old men about how to satisfy young women is odd to say the least. I suppose you'd think it would be more disgusting but I always get this smug feeling. Haha I can satisfy women and you can't. Sucks to be you. Anyway I haven't read Women in months and months but there's this scene when he's staying in the female dorm of a college he was invited to do a reading at and he gets drunk one night and wanders up and down the halls knocking on every door shouting that he's this big time author and didn't anybody wanna fuck him. Nobody opens up and he goes back to bed and laughs and drinks some more. I dunno why but it's stuck in my head.

So I haven't really slept but it's not the spider's fault

Thursday night Julie had crazy sleep-spasms. She was all Rrrehh and flipping her arms and legs around and freaking me the hell out. She was just sleeping apparently. Friday I didn't eat enough because I couldn't be bothered. I get like that every so often. Like I eat too much one day and nothing the next. Doesn't balance out but I'm easily distracted and some days eating is such a chore. So the alcohol wasn't a good idea even though I didn't have much and again Julie was like all rrreh I am sleeping and I was not. I was too not-asleep to go find a new place to sleep since it's not like we lack beds. I was a bit zombied so I thought I'll watch some of the films I haven't got round to watching that I can just stare at that. That's a sensible plan!

Oh my god is The Beach a fucking terrible film. The only redeeming quality (apart from the reasonably attractive French girl I suppose) was this scene:


I also watched Clerks 2 after waiting fucking forever to see it since nobody would go see it with me when it came out and then two of my rubbish friends went with another crowd and whined about how shit it was. I always find the problem with a lot of Kevin Smith's stuff is while some of it is enjoyable I always feel like I'm just wasting time watching. Doesn't really matter though because I'll watch Rosario Dawson doing anything. I mean I watched Alexander though that was originally for Angelina Jolie but at least I expect a lot of her films to be awful. Clerks 2 was alright but really I could have stared into space for the same amount of time and I would feel just about the same.

I've got Sunshine recorded after another Kirsty who must be about the third I've known went on and on about how it was amazing. I sort of trust her judgement since she does Film Studies and we talk New Wave and Robert Rodriguez instead of listening in lectures. Plus she's a pretty redhead who loves owls.

Let's have another of these because it cracked me up. Oh Leonardo you have such an odd face. It is not attractive, it is odd.


I might be getting into Edinburgh Film Festival films for free! My list consists of Dylan Moran in A Film With Me In It and a romance in a porn store called Good Dick and a bunch of French New Wave films so I'm really hoping I can actually go. I've got a form for tickets to the opening night but it's Keira Knightley's new film and while she'll be there and I've heard it's not a bad film it's a big meh to me. Sienna Miller annoys me.