I don't feel safe in this world no more

So I decided a few things in a drugged up haze last night. I have a cold by the way. It comes of the new season starting. And man was that fun. There's the unfurling of the flag because we're awesome but they had Tommy Burns' wife do it following a video montage set to him singing some song that was difficult to hear because the music was tinny over the bad soundsystem. I mean I'm not one to get all sentimental about a man I not only didn't know but never thought about for more than a passing minute when he was alive but it was kinda grim. She was looking rough and the manager was all teary looking and then the game started and it was just so dull. But enough about football.

So I decided a few things, thought some shit out and tried to untangle the ungodly mess I like to call feelings. I came to the conclusion that life is a lot easier without people. I like being alone but I can't be when I meet people because then there's that need and desire to go out and gasp have a good time with them. I can, however, control who I see and all those pesky strangers. Sick and tired of putting up with drunken acquaintances undoing all of my good work warding off desperadoes I told myself I'd save myself some grief (and some francetastic money) by getting home before nightfall. Well let me tell you my week of shunning the night life has brought me more creeps than stepping out the door. So my body acts accordingly. Ok so I can't afford the oh my god leave me alone hair cut so I've become a big mess of unattractiveness instead topped off with the cold. Yay. And I sort of have a date. I don't really do dates to be honest. My very brief and barely worth mentioning relationships since the dire high school era were really just me falling into someone who was there. Dates generally are boring, tiresome affairs in which I feel very much under scrutiny and I act up because of this. Oi, oi, oi I can't stick to my own conclusions when people keep interfering. I'm being my most uncharming as well! I have to fight myself every step of the way as I scream go away, go away, go away.

I read Autofiction a couple of books back. Half way through the main character has an argument with her own vagina for about a page and a half and it was perfect.

I think mostly I'm all bleh because it's a date with a nice boy. I don't know how to deal with nice boys, they like nice things don't they? And nice girls with normal lives and smiles. Maybe I will cancel and find myself a creep to shoot down with harsh words and a sarcastic bat of my eyes. That I know I can do. I think I just accepted because I can't let down a nice guy. I made a bastard cry but I feel awful if I make nice guys do that oh well I thought you'd say no anyway face which I cannot stand to see. Oh it's the burden I must bear being so very wonderful.