Conversations with my mother

"Hey Mama? Do my legs look alright in this skirt?"
"Yeah. I mean I can't really see them but I'm sure they look great. Be sure to pull a tall guy and you'll be fine."

"Hey Mama? Do these boots look alright over my jeans?"
"Oh yeah. Your legs don't even look fat in them."

"Kitty, how do you do it? Your hair isn't even wet. Or it doesn't look it anyway. It looks nice."
"Aww really? I thought it looked like a curly puffball."
"Yeah, it's like a wet dog."

"Like the tshirt?"
"Yeah. And it gives people something to read when they get bored. Good choice."

These were all intended as compliments. Her insults are generally: "No you look awful, maybe you wanna go change?"


I'm seeing the loveliest girl and the vaguely lesbian friend tonight and I can't remember where I put their Christmas presents. Or if I wrapped them. Oops?