What's a wonderwall anyway?

I find myself wondering if how I do things is the normal way. Like does everyone do the I'm waiting for the microwave to ping dance or the sugar stir wiggle into their coffee. I like knowing that I'm not the only one who sings along with the computer as it turns on or employs the shoogle method in times of desperation (and actually use that term, which is odd since I thought I'd made it up). I flounder a little when I don't know if I'm reacting appropriately to something. When you've spent as long as I have being told you're weird, mad and crazy it kinda screws your head up. I'm not very consistent. I was flattered when a guy offered me a VIP ticket to T in the Park free of charge if I slept with him in the tent we'd be camping in but I was creeped out when another guy claimed he'd always been attracted to me. Somehow that seems round the wrong way.

I got up out of bed this morning as Julie was doing her hair and gave her a fright as I loudly declared that I had to pee. I was still quite asleep, I know because I walked into the wall and woke myself up. I don't remember falling asleep. I remember lying in bed being tired and then I walked into the wall and it was morning. I've never slept like that. There's always the agonizing replaying of everything and thoughts bouncing off my closed eyes. It doesn't matter how exhausted physically or mentally I am, I can never get to sleep. I remember being small, I musta been under four because it was in our old house and Julie wasn't there, and wandering around late at night until my dad would tuck me back in and tell me to think of nothing. I crawled back into bed and thought maybe I finally learnt to sleep. No dreams, no pesky thoughts just rest. Not like the night before when the kittens took me to a new bar and we drank tequila and somebody beside me was smoking French cigarettes. I woke up tasting that dark smoke.

Or the night before that when I had the most ridiculous dream about a princess and woke up the next morning to find I'd written it all down. An almighty scrawl of nonsense. I've typed most of it up since part of me obviously felt the need to share it. Once it makes sense in English you can read it and have a laugh at my subconscious writer.

I was happy this morning. Nothing new to mull except hairstyles. But a song plays in my head and I sway as I make my coffee and my mouth opens quite on its own and belts out: Everyday I wake up alone because I'm not like all the other boys. Ever since I was young I had no choice but it's ok to lead me on. I must admit it's not much fun to be led on by such a one as you are. And then I remember the dream about the man but I can't recall his words to me, only my actions. I crack my jaw and pour in more sugar with a wiggle. He was going to change my life. And all I can think is well at least he wasn't made of kittens.