Swallowing words while giving head

Sometimes I'm torn between the truth and a lie. There's so much I want to write about. Not in a holy crap here's an idea that'll become a cult classic with a weird cover but just in an outpouring of thoughts. Like yesterday before my head finally met the table and my eyelids crashed down I scrawled every single thing down in my notebook. Such a shame that it was over what little work I've done on my essay but I'm sure I'll work it out. The problem with this as a medium is that I never know how far to go. I don't talk too much about what's been happening because it's boring to write and half the time it's with one of you that's reading. That's the real problem here. You are reading.

The other day I decided to be honest. I had a flash of determination and I typed up all the things I've ever wanted to tell you but couldn't. Sometimes the words are there choking me and other times I have to bite down on them to keep from shouting out loud because you'd leave. It's funny that honesty would make you leave but we're always happier with the lie I guess. So I wrote it all out and then I deleted it and wrote different thoughts. If I had one thing to say I wanted it to be the most perfect truth. Then the phone rang.

By the time I came back to my laptop the mood was gone and I deleted the draft.

There's just moments when I feel like I exist for other people. This is me digressing by the way, I can't be arsed plotting the points of how I got here. It's like some days I am entirely selfish. It's me, me, me and either I fucking hate everything I think and say and do or I am amazing and I wish everybody I've ever known would stop by so I can scorn them with my superiority. But there are times when every thought in my head is about somebody else. There's so many conversations and situations that aren't real but could be and I want to solve everyone's problems. I want to make everything right. Sometimes it's like if I don't fix it then I'll be stuck in this objective rut and I'll never get to be my brilliant self again. I'm not really sure why. I mean, I guess it'll be because people always did lean on me so even when nobody asks for my help I feel the need to give it?

I get frustrated with what I do write. My ultimate goal, aside from making a name for myself even if it's a different one I pick, is to write the absolute truth. Something people will read and smile because they thought they were the only ones who were like that.

I'm doing suspiciously well at the moment. I suspect a fall to come.