To think he could replace the missing elements in me

Yesterday I went out and when I got back all I could say was that I had successfully destroyed 6 hours. It's like something switched off and I'm just here. My mum gets on at me. I'm sick of hearing how I think too much. I can't control the quantity of my thoughts.

There's too many scenes in my head and I'm starting to wonder if I've got it in me to stretch it all out, write something bigger. I just start and wait for an end.

I had a dream I was pregnant. There were big headphones straddling my belly. I woke up wanting new headphones.

I'm getting headaches earlier in the day now. I stare up at the sky and wait for the damp grass just to swallow me whole. I sort of want everything to stop for a moment because there's something I forgot how to do. But it won't. So all I can do is keep on lying there with a pen in my hand and write the people I was too afraid to write about before and think about the things I've been dying to say.

And the sun keeps on shining and my hair gets a little longer each day and I wonder if I can afford to cut it all off yet.

My dad told me yesterday that he picked my middle name because he wanted to call me Marie but it sounded too tacky when other people said it. I have always wondered why.