I am consumed by girls in my head. Girls I want to be and girls I have been. I can put my hair in bunches and I am fifteen years old, I really have not changed all that much despite what crazy English teachers may claim. And I still avoid certain events, certain places for fear of finding old friends, old dates. I couldn't go into my local supermarket for months until it was clear he had left the kiosk job and I only dated him for a week. I am very much aware of the hold my past has on me. I like to repeat things, my memory is ridiculously detailed at times and I wish it wasn't. I wish I could get wicked drunk one night and erase everything. I can be sitting on a train and suddenly I think about things I haven't thought about in years and I'm lost.
Do you ever wake up confused? You wake up in the body of somebody you didn't think was you. You check your email and all of it is about things you don't understand, from people you're not sure you even know. The post is in some other language. The kettle had a different handle, the back door won't open and your head is pounding from an addiction you don't remember ever feeding. Sometimes my mind likes to imagine I am foreign. Completely foreign and I don't understand any of the signs in the street or the words shouted from strangers around me. I wander around and drink it all in and imagine I have a faraway home to return to. There's fear that grips me and pushes me to walk a little further, to ask for directions to a place I've been to everyday. I strike up the briefest of encounters with real foreigners. Ask where they're staying, how long for, where their home is. I hear Glasgow's lovely this time of year, if you can get past the rain. I seem to spend too much of my free time trying to get lost but I make it back to my bus stop everyday. One day I keep hoping I won't. I'll walk off the face of the planet. I'll erase myself because that's the only way you can remove everything else. I'll send a postcard if I end up someplace nice. I'll call you if I don't.
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3 comments:
Sounds like someone's outgrown their roots and wants to go travelling.
I saw goth you once
she was like you, but gothier
Maybe it was me in the past? I used to be gothier. Fun times. Did you know that if I wear eyeliner I look like I have a black eye? People already thought I was in an abusive relationship, makeup wasn't helping! Fun, fun times.
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