It isn't insane on paper

I've been thinking a lot lately. I mean I'm always thinking a lot, it's kinda a problem, but I've been thinking a lot about different things.

Like how a lot of stuff don't matter but that isn't a bad thing. Sorta exploring the advantages of apathy.

I've been thinking about identities.

I've been thinking that even though I try and hold myself objectively I still get worked up over the little things.

I've been thinking that sometimes personality traits are just personality traits and it's better to let them be than try and understand why.

I've been thinking about how we all run from our past and there's that fear that if we share too much it might catch up with us.

I've been thinking about life, which makes a change from death.

But I'm still not sure if it makes much difference.

I'm thinking about symmetry and repetition and those dreams I have of conversations in ridiculous situations that play out for me in real life and feels fake. The time you gave me that look made more sense when we were falling. And ok there were no cats or parties in bathtubs that time you told me about that thing but the words were the same. I used to wonder if I was alive. There's the theory that this world is merely the creation of another world, and it in turn is a product of another imagination and so on. They made movies about it but I only ever watched the first one. Long leather coats don't do it for me.

I went on a philosophy course once and they asked us if we knew the world we lived in didn't exist would we try to escape it. I've never seen the point in wondering such a thing. If it were true what would be the point? We'll never know, just like we'll never know if there is a God or if it could have worked out or if it was all a big mistake or if I'll be here waiting for you in the end.

We won't know because we'll never ask and we won't ask because sometime it's just enough to look in the mirror and know that the person looking back is you and that it's all going to be alright. And all this means is I had a rough week and I'm not sure if I'm over it yet but I'm trying. It's frustrating really. I want someone to congratulate me but I'd have to sit here and tell you why all of these thoughts are important and then the whole thing is superficial.

I sat for a couple of hours with my legs off one end of bed and my chin hugging the mattress on the other side. I haven't read a book like that for years. Just for a moment there were no thoughts because I was just a girl reading a good book and though there were interruptions:clothes tossed over my head with stories about zombies, the beep of my phone bringing me appearances of ducks where there shouldn't be ducks, vague plans and amusing tales of urine, it was easy enough to fall straight back in until my foot fell asleep and I was shouted back downstairs.

One month and my exams will be over and my second first year will be complete. I can't fucking wait.