Rumours that are completely unsubstantiated

It never really leaves, that's the first thing I had to learn. I had to learn to separate myself from myself and think passively. It's a little surreal sometimes when you watch yourself live and hear words fall out that you weren't expecting to say. It's easier drunk because I switch off and it usually takes the wrong word in my ear to bring me back. Very occasionally the right word. Rarely the right touch. There's only a few people I can stand to be that close. Yesterday was Tuesday the 22nd of July and if I'd been coherent I'd have written this then but I wasn't so I didn't. Yesterday was Tuesday the 22nd of July. Five years ago the 22nd of July was a Tuesday. You can count the years of my life from that date.

It never really leaves. It ingrains itself into just about everything. I walked home last night with my hands on my spine to feel the bones twisting. I walked a plank of the kerb all the way down to my house and past it. You have to avoid the stone five along from my driveway because it slopes into the drain. You can lose your footing and dash your brains out on the asphalt black. I walked the plank down to the park and peered into the darkness first. Local junkie kids like to hide out here but it was Tuesday the 22nd of July and a lot of them are on holiday, shooting up in prettier places in the world so it's quiet and I sat down on the big swirling circle and put my head on my knees, just for a moment. Walking in the door of my house pushes the reset button and I have to wake up to go to bed. For a moment I let my head swim and there was a pricking and a choking and a sighing because I knew it was Tuesday the 22nd of July and it never really leaves once it's there. If you'd spoken to me a few weeks ago when it was still June I would have smiled easily. If you'd spoken to me a couple of weeks ago when July was first spreading out I would have been passionately sour but yesterday was the day that it was and I teetered. Push me and I just might fall.

It never really leaves but it becomes easier to ignore. Yes, it would be easy and yes, it would be simple. Quiet and uncomplicated if you can pull it off but that's why you dream. I have to finish something first. There has to be an achievement. It's all just dust to cover it up because when it really pushes you, the dreams are too unattainable anyway. It would be easy, simple, quiet and uncomplicated and then it would leave. If I had a knife, sharpest you ever saw, that would cut it out finally I can't tell you for certain that I would do it.

I'm being unfair here because I write this for myself. Everything I've written here I've written for myself and I know it's read but I pretend it's invisible and I ignore the words I post until I hear them repeated back and then I remember. So maybe I should apologise for writing this and abandoning it when I push the big orange button. Then again, you're making the choice to read this. Oh I don't know. I just found it remarkable that Tuesday had come around again and it'd be the same date and it'd been weighing on my mind anyway because it never really leaves.