My dad had all the Raymond Chandler books and when I could only find two of them in the box upstairs he immediately went into a tirade against his brother who must have stolen them. In my uncle's house there has always been shelves and shelves of books. My dad has a plan.

"Next time we're there, kid. I'll keep him busy and you check and see if any of them are mine."

So it was wonderful when I opened the cover of one of the pile of books and saw my uncle's name written there. My dad accused my uncle of writing his name on his property because he wouldn't have taken it with him if it hadn't belonged to him. Well ok but I found a single of Bohemian Rhapsody with my uncle's name and HANDS OFF all over it. I pointed out that both my uncle and his wife are English Lit students so of course they'll have tons of books and if he did take them it'd only be because it was a free book. I also pointed out that just because I didn't find them all doesn't mean they're not there what with the box being bloody huge and me being bloody tiny.

And Dad if you are reading which I know you are even if you keep denying it Humphrey Bogart was not in the Long Goodbye. I was right and it is odd that that they would then put him on the cover of the book. So ha! Make me feel like I don't know anything. It was Elliott Gould. Nyeh.

Also did you hear about the penguin who was knighted?