You know how to whistle, don't you?

Last night I had a bad moment, a dizzy spell and what I like to call, in my head where nobody can hear, an existentialist crisis. I lay very still in the dark and tried to calm down but there's been something creeping in my bones for the longest time and it wouldn't let me be. And then my phone went off. Nearly every day at 2 and/or 11pm I receive a text asking what's happening. I have a small collection of these now all from the same boy I have not seen since I was sixteen. If I don't respond and he's drinking then the series of nonsensical pestering begins. If I don't respond and he's sober I get peace and if I respond either way he eventually tries to twist whatever I say into some sort of innuendo to make it easier for him I guess. Must be nice to have such clockwork horniness. Now usually I can brush this off, take it as an uncomfortable compliment and laugh at his persistence but I was having a bad day, bad week, bad time. Still am in fact and will be until Wednesday is done with. Oh wonderful complicated day. For a girl who has never had a problem saying no I've done exactly what I've been so goddamn fucking terrified of doing for over two single years and that's become passive again. This is the reason why I stay so very far away from things that look like relationships and while I'll flirt with most people I rarely give out information that leads to continuing the talk. I would rather be utterly and completely alone than a passive little girlfriend.

At one in the morning I gave up a little. At two in the morning I was furious with myself and tried to sleep but the neighbours were having a conversation outside my window and I kept thinking they were under my couch. At three in the morning I wrote pages and pages of rubbish since I lacked anyone better than myself to talk to. At four I had a dream about a parrot. I didn't see five o'clock. Six o'clock I was merely aware of the ticking of my clock, by seven my dad was awake, by eight so was Julie and I managed to gather my consciousness enough to wish her luck because she's back at school now and that can't be any fun. Nine I gave up and made it down the stairs to be told to get a job for the first time of the day and then I watched To Have and Have Not and stopped freaking out. And all I can think is maybe if these guys knew how I spent my nights they wouldn't want to share them with me.

Also I am wearing red tights right now. You just can't feel like crap with red tights on, they're happiness inducing.